THE TITLE

My forthcoming piece is called I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN I JUST DIDN'T TRUST MYSELF BEFORE. The title for the piece comes from the advice column Ask Polly, in which a woman asks What Am I Doing Wrong With Men?  and Polly (aka Heather Havrilesky) replies:
 

"What if you tried asking different sorts of questions, questions about your life in the absence of men: Why isn't your work more engrossing? Why aren't your friends giving you their all? Why can't you feel your feelings unless there's a guy in the picture? Why can't you follow your own whims and honor your own values and desires and buy yourself a nice meal even when you're not on a date with some dude? When will you start giving weight to your own experiences? When will you buy a book and read it in the park and stare at the blue sky and say to yourself, HELL YES I AM ALIVE AND I CONTAIN MULTITUDES AND I AM PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, TERRIBLE AND JITTERY AND FUCKING PERFECT? 

No more questions, then. No more.

You caught me at the exact right time, because this is where I am today. I am determined to breathe fire today, and I'm not going to slow down just so some fucking hobbit can show me how to do it 'the right way.' I know exactly what I'm doing already. I've always known, I just didn't trust myself before.

Let's trust ourselves and turn our backs on those who don't. Let's breathe fire and magic together. Let's burn your stupid fucking questionnaires and scorecards to ashes, and then let's fly through the blustery wind together, brilliant and perfect and terrible. Let's never live under that mountain again."


In an effort to be transparent, I'm going to tell you: I'm just on the other side of a break up. It was a long and deep and loving relationship, and I am heartbroken. And, I am the one who chose to end it. There are all the reasons. Sahaj Kohli says: "The fact that someone loves you doesn't rescue you from the project of loving yourself." I'm not sure I'm actively pursuing self-love, but I am extricating shame and self-doubt in the making of this work. 

A friend repeated my title back to me in a correspondence recently, when I told her I didn't know what I was doing. She said: you know exactly what you're doing, you've always known, you just don't trust yourself. I said, yeah, okay, you're an ass, I love you, you're right.